Noting that he prefers animals that didn’t get captured, President Trump signed an executive order late Tuesday night that shifts federal funds from no-kill shelters to “yes-kill shelters”.
“Not only does this order ensure millions more dogs and cats will die every year, but we’re going to make sure those filthy, freeloading animals suffer bigly along the way,” Trump bragged.
The murder of kittens and puppies is the logical next step in the human centipede of horror otherwise known as the Trump presidency. After denigrating the press, muzzling the scientific community, legalizing discrimination, and banning Muslims, the racist real estate mogul was looking for an initiative with real shock value.
Sources close to the administration say the reasoning behind the order could stem from Trump’s bad experiences with family pets growing up.
“There was the time their dog, Rockefeller, nearly bit 10-year-old Trump’s hand off when he tried to drown the poor dog in the bath tub,” the source revealed. “And then that kitten nearly gouged his eyes out when he tried to light its fur on fire.”
Trump hinted at his rocky past with with the animal kingdom in his signing statement, which was accompanied by one of the condemned animals in a cage. A cocker spaniel named Patches. Trump, who taunted the dog by repeatedly kicking the cage, said he would administer the poison to Patches personally.
“Look at it. It acts so nice and cuddly. But they are the most disgusting, dishonest creatures that are finally getting what they deserve,” he said.
Trump hinted that this could be the start of something “yuge”.
“We’re actually looking at doing something similar at orphanages,” Trump continued. “I mean really, if their parents don’t want them, these kids must be the worst. Total losers. Yes-kill, please.”
Experts say that these orders are designed to fire up Trump’s base while simultaneously demoralizing Democrats and distracting everyone from thinking about Trump’s involvement with Russia’s interference in the presidential election.
“Trump is trolling America,” media expert James Donnely remarked.